I went to see a friend in an ICU far away yesterday. I needed to be able to say my goodbyes in person and give him a kiss on the cheek, and hold his hand and tell him how very much he is loved and how much his Life is a Verb Camp family is pulling for him. He is like a brother to me, and he is a beautiful and funny imp of a human, finding wonder everywhere, and this has all been so, so, so sudden, it has made me shaky. When systems start failing, recovery remains possible, of course, but unlikely. I was reminded of this achingly beautiful poem by Jane Kenyon as I stood by his bedside wanting him to wake up and be okay again. We will all face our “otherwise” day soon enough. And regardless of the circumstances, it will seem sudden.
Otherwise
1947 –1995
I got out of bed
on two strong legs.
It might have been
otherwise. I ate
cereal, sweet
milk, ripe, flawless
peach. It might
have been otherwise.
I took the dog uphill
to the birch wood.
All morning I did
the work I love.
At noon I lay down
with my mate. It might
have been otherwise.
We ate dinner together
at a table with silver
candlesticks. It might
have been otherwise.
I slept in a bed
in a room with paintings
on the walls, and
planned another day
just like this day.
But one day, I know,
it will be otherwise.
When I returned to my car, which had been sealed up and locked in the medical center parking lot, I looked over to the passenger seat before I started my 3.5-hour journey home, and there was a small feather there. It hadn’t been there before.
May you be safe. May you find peace. May you be free from suffering. May you fly free, Jeff, as you blaze into stardust once more. Camp (and life) won’t be the same without you here, texting me jokes and talking about real things. I could always, always count on you.
Love,
Patti
You are a friend, a sister, a witness, you show up, you rearrange life to do that which matters. That feather, goodness, that feather.
Thank you for going. All of us who have been blessed to know him and love him traveled with you. Everything about this makes no sense other than to be reminded to spend our moments in kindness because the moments will not be here forever.